I Don't Want to Lie

This is a story, written by Larry about coming out to himself.

I wish that I could come to school and not be afraid of being myself. my whole self. I wish I didn't have to lie or pretend, right in front of people. But I don't have much choice. My peers use the word `GAY" as an insult! As though it is a bad thing. As though it is a sin, worse than no other, to be attracted to the same sex.

But what can I do? I can't help that I am attracted to other guys. I remember when I was about thirteen I stayed at my friends house for a night. I woke up early in the morning and I noticed that he had a picture of a girl in a bikini on the wall. I stared at that picture for what must have been at least three hours. I kept asking myself, why does this woman not make me feel horny like she does for other guys... why does she not excite me in any sort of way? And no matter how long I stared at this woman or any other female for that matter... I saw nothing in them. I felt nothing towards women. And I never had... I had never been attracted to the opposite sex, and I still aren't.

It was when I was about age ten, I found that it seemed that I was attracted to guys and not girls. This scared the shit out of me. I decided not to worry about it though. I decided that I would find a way to change me... so I would be attracted to females. I thought perhaps they would have some sort of drug that would change me to heterosexual sexual, or maybe I could be hypnotized to make me attracted to the opposite sex.

So I pushed it away and tried to deny it for about 3 years.

It was later on when I was thirteen that I finally realized that there was nothing I could do about it. And so I slowly accepted it as part of who I am. Because this is who I naturally am. This is how God made me... and now I am able to like who I am... most of the time. But it makes it hard to like who you are when part of you is being destroyed and insulted by homophobic people and by your own peers and sometimes your good friends. I can handle that. But I often wish I didn't have to. I often wish that I could tell everyone that I am gay and it wouldn't be strange or awkward for anybody and it could be completely accepted by everyone.

I wish for that day. Because it will make life alot easier for many people like myself. But the trouble is... I'm still wishing.


Published with Larry's permission.


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